A McSweeney's post satirizes the obfuscations and euphemisms of public transit system announcements by finally putting things in brutally frank terms.
The post by Dan Amira includes a list of "honest subway announcements" ranging on the topics of crowded trains, (i.e., an "indifferent gauntlet of humanity"), unexpected delays (i.e., "The train’s dispatcher is a wicked man who gets a sick thrill from toying with your lives like a god."), and public safety (i.e., "This is the subway. Everything is suspicious.").
Not all of the "announcements" focus on the frustrations encountered when turning over control of your mobility to an underfunded public agency, however. Some of the announcements are devoted to our fellow travelers, who, believe it or not, are occasionally guilty of the perpetrating the same annoying traits of generations of humans that went before. So, for instance:
"Ladies and gentlemen: If you see an elderly, pregnant, or disabled person near you, offer your seat. Then take a furtive look around you to see if anyone noticed your act of gallantry. Bask in the subtle, barely perceptible sense of appreciation emanating from your fellow passengers. You’re a damn hero is what you are. You don’t need to do anything nice for anybody else today."
Now, if anyone needs me, I'll be on an over-crowded 720 Metro bus hurtling down Wilshire Boulevard, listening to a recorded voice implore repeatedly to "WATCH YOUR STEP" as if the county's liability depended on it.
FULL STORY: HONEST SUBWAY ANNOUNCEMENTS.
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