El Niño Met With the Polar Vortex in Secret Before Winter 2016

Anonymous sources have revealed the existence of a dossier showing definitive proof that El Niño and the Polar Vortex met in secret in the months prior to Winter 2015 and then again before Winter 2016.

The existence of the dossier has been confirmed by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association, and Al Gore, but remains in possession of climate scientists from China.

Anonymous sources tell Planetizen that the dossier reveals the details and deliberations of a series of clandestine meetings between the Polar Vortex and El Niño. Over the course of the meetings and the subsequent months, the two weather phenomena planned and implemented a series of coordinated attacks designed to exacerbate the rivalry between the east and west coasts of the United States and make amateur weather observers on Facebook look stupid.

The Polar Vortex made regular headline news in the Winter of 2013-14, but by 2014-2015 drought-ridden California was practically trying to will El Niño into existence. The two weather phenomena really showed everyone that they don't respond to requests by shutting down transit systems all over the East Coast and reducing West Coast water supplies to tears—until the Winter of 2016-2017.

The regular rains in usually weather-immune places like Los Angeles throughout the winter months of 2016 and early 2017—considered impossible a year before—made observers wonder if El Niño had help from an external source. The conspiratorial plot now revealed, the Polar Vortex is seeking immunity to testify against El Niño in front of Congress, despite repeated statements on Twitter that the East Coast "would be nothing without winter griping."

When Planetizen contacted El Niño to ask about the climate scientists' dossier, El Niño replied simply: "Tell California they'll miss me when I'm gone."