Local Business Suffers As Council Calls For Economic Safe Bet

"The council recently commissioned consultants to help identify gaps in its 'retail strategy'; the wise men reported that what Oxford needs is another department store. The council feels that Oxford needs to be 'competitive' with neighbouring Swindon. Unless we have as much acreage devoted to mega-malls as they do, our consumers might motor down the A420 to spend their money there. The conclusion: unless we convert ourselves into a Slough with spires, our economy is doomed."

"So we need more malls. But where to site them? Out-of-town retail development is out of fashion, so the town centre must be sacrificed. A large area around the old prison has already been redeveloped, a great success for the clone revolution. Among the upmarket outlets of Carluccio's, La Tasca, Pizza Express and, er, Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, there is not a single independent outlet to be found."