Friday Funny: Philadelphia Is Very, Very Confident About its Amazon Bid

Satirical news website The Onion imagines a world were Philadelphia is so confident that Amazon will located its second headquarters in Philadelphia, that it's willing to raze its entire Center City.

Here’s the lede from a fake news article:

Convinced they will win the highly competitive contest to host the e-commerce giant’s new offices, optimistic local officials have preemptively razed Philadelphia’s entire Center City district to make room for Amazon’s second North American headquarters, sources said Thursday.

Unlike the brief format The Onion usually devotes to urbanism-related stories, this article is written like a front-page story, with a fake image of Center City being reduced to rubble by demolitions, pull quotes, and even fake quotes from the likes of the real mayor, Jim Kenney. "After taking a look at the competition and figuring we probably have this thing in the bag, we just went ahead and tore down Center City so Amazon can move right in," says the fake quote from the mayor included in the article. More dandies like that follow. "It was definitely bittersweet saying goodbye to the Liberty Bell before our controlled demolition of Independence Hall, but it’s important we encourage businesses to invest in the city," adds Kenney.

Read to the end for a kicker that everyone, save 237 of the 238 total applicants for Amazon's request for proposals, sees coming.