Amazon Picks Springfield Over Quahog and South Park for HQ2 Location

Since Amazon announced its request for proposals for a new second location, handicapping the behemoth corporation's final choice has been almost a cottage industry for many urbanists.

The victor in this contest was promised economic development spoils like a $5 billion construction project, a highly-taxable employment base of 50,000, and a chance for politicians to fast-lane legacy infrastructure projects without it looking too much like a corporate giveaway.

When Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos took to the podium at a press conference held in Seattle to make the long-awaited announcement, the stakes were high. The choice would be made from one of three finalists: Quahog, Springfield, and South Park. When it came time to make the announcement, Bezos got straight to the point, before going on a bit of a tangent. Here's his full statement.

We will be opening Amazon's second headquarters in Springfield. We chose this location for to its metaphorical powers, with its long history of representing all that is troubled and redeeming about middle America, its access to a reliable energy source, and a talented workforce that seems to never get caught napping. I would also like to personally thank Mr. Montgomery Burns for the special attention and the scalp maintenance tips.

It's not at all weird that you've been so interested in which city we might pick for the second headquarters of a company with relatively short history in an industry with massive turnover, but here were are nevertheless. I appreciate how many cities have given me the the password to the Citibank app with connection to their General Fund to help me make my choice. Everyone being so no nice to me for so many months really made this process worth it. It was very difficult to cut down the list of finalists to three, but this final choice was even harder, because I don't want my friends in Quahog and South Park to stop texting the deets for our Bachelor viewing parties on Mondays.

To the residents of Quahog and South Park, I solemnly say, this isn't about you; this is about me. I hope we'll still be friends.