Friday Funny: The Onion's Transit Issue

Peruse the issue for favorites such as the article: "Human Feet Originally Used For Walking, Anthropologists Report", which quotes a new report in the Journal Of The Anthropological Society Of Oxford. "Apparently, as recently as 20 years ago, the foot was used in a process called 'walking,' by which the human body actually propelled itself," the report read. "Starting sometime in the late 1970s, these crude early feet gradually evolved into their present function of operating the gas and brake pedals on automobiles."

Another favorite, "Entire Train Ride Spent Deciding If, When To Use Bathroom," chronicles the painful pursuit of an empty and convenient restroom aboard a Metro-North commuter train:

"Other factors delayed Broberg's plan, including a long wait for an 'especially chatty and slow-moving' train attendant to come by and take his ticket, a 6-year-old boy who kept running into the bathroom every five minutes for no apparent reason other than to remove handfuls of paper towels, and a passenger who boarded at the first stop and sat next to Broberg, forcing him into the window seat. According to Broberg, the man 'immediately unwrapped a big, cumbersome hero sub' on his lap and began eating it while reading a broadsheet newspaper."