Family Lost In Suburbs

25 August 2001 - 11:00am

The Onion humorously reports on a family of five that was found alive in the Chicago suburbs after eight years.

"The Holsapple family, long feared missing or spiritually dead, was found alive in the Chicago suburbs Monday, somehow managing to survive in the hostile environment for more than eight years. Rescuers discovered the five-person clan after a survey plane spotted a crude signal fire the family had created in a barbecue grill... Green feared that the family was not ready to rejoin urban life after having received little or no cultural stimuli in the suburbs for nearly a decade."

Source: The Onion, August 25, 2001
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Under the proposal, the government would assign the populace the task of counting and mapping dog droppings as a first step to greater penalties for owners who fail to clean up after their mutts.